Thursday, September 27, 2007

Wrapped Emotions 4

Wrapped Emotions buttonThis weeks wrapped emotions prompt was I think scary for all of us participants. It asked us to be real. To be honest. To really share.

Finding a place of trust...I'm trying. Being a Christian (and this is
not a push to those who are not) I know my peace within is found in God. I also
know that I must learn to trust myself and to release many fears...

there is a place somewhere...a place you can pray, meditate, think and
quietly face the reality of what is holding you back in life. It could be the
bathroom...a corner in Starbucks...your front porch...a park bench. But go
there. Quietly open up to trust...

Whatever you take from this, take it to your art journal. Create what
you feel. No, there are no suggestions, no list of materials...this is
freestyle. This is you...What you it a page of jumbled words,
mingled colors, introspective images...should be intimately yours. If you are
not comfortable posting your completed journal page, no problem. Write a blog
post with what you are comfortable sharing. Should you find yourself trying, yet
not completing this ritual, share is not failure to try.My heart hopes
we will share...that we will trust ourselves...that we will uncover more of our
wrapped emotions


I love Melody. Her heart for her kids and for the Lord shines through on her blog. But as I read and re-read this I kept thinking that I don't have to learn to trust myself. In all honesty, I need to stop trusting myself. Don't get me wrong, I do have trust issues. I do have fears. I honestly believe that they are the same fears that everyone has. The fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of the unknown, the fear of the trials yet to come, the fear of being hurt yet again.

I have described myself as a vessel that has been weakened. I have the fear that if someone hits me in a weakened spot, I will shatter. So I keep people at arms length. When I see hurt coming, I distance myself from it. Self preservation. At least that's what I call it.

But this lack of trust has nothing to do with me. I trust myself. I know that if I do things, control things, plan things, I will be fine. I want to control the intimacy in each of my relationships, I want to control how much of myself I share, I want to have plans, make plans, and execute those plans. I want to do it all. I trust myself with my heart, my soul, and my mind. Do you see the problem with this?

The problem is...I became a Christian nearly 11 years ago. I had decided to put my trust in Christ...not me. Trust is a choice, as those who are doing this challenge found out. They are choosing to trust. And so I need to get back to that place of trust. Not in myself, but in Him.

He has been faithful. I have seen that. I know that I know Him. I know that I have been redeemed. But when he brings these trials into my life, for my own good, I pull back. I fight him. I start leaning on myself again. I will "cowboy up". I pull back on my trust in him. Not that I would ever say I don't trust him, but if you look at my fruits, you will see the truth.

So, I need to start trusting him fully again. That is a very scary thing for me. Not because he hasn't been good and faithful, but because I know he is going to do what is best for me, not what I think is best for me. He wants to show me the area's in my life that I have not surrendered all to him, and then he wants me to let him work. I am stubborn, and the process is not fun. But I also know that I can't do it on my own. He not only will give me the trial, but he will give me the strength to get through the trial. I just need to trust. And if he shatters me, I also need to trust him in that. With my all.

Today, I will renew my vow. Today, I will admit to trying to do it myself, to turn my life over once again to His will, to His glory, to His praise. And because of His grace alone, he will forgive me, let me crawl up on his lap and rest in His love. And then he will start his work once again.


~ Melody ~ said...

"...let me crawl up on his lap and rest in His love."

I have never heard a more beautiful analogy of how much God loves let us crawl up on his lap.

De, you have the faith I'm striving for. I have so fought Him and finally have been broken...really broken this past week.

Your heart of faith, your words of renewal are a blessing to me. I thank God that you reached a point of renewing your faith. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Stacy said...

Beautifully written De. You have such faith, while I am a work in process. I envy you and your ability to give Him control. That is a very difficult part for me.

EA said...

Your meditation on trust here is an inspiration to me. In my post I focused on allowing myself to be who I am, fully, yet really, what is that about other than trusting that I am who I am, and am where I am for a purpose greater than I may understand? Thank-you.

Sara said...

thank you so much for sharing, i know what you mean, im there too, i really want to be different for so many reasons, i know that god has taken awesome care of me, but sometimes i still feel newly born, and not real sure, regardless of previous occations, that im not going to get dropped.

childlife said...

De - I deeply identified with you sharing how you easily slip into relying on yourself. So easy to do! I have to watch so very closely that I don't get swept away in my own separate plans and attempts apart from God. Thank you so much for sharing your heart so beautifully!

The Surrendered Scribe said...

Your post reminds me so much of that license plate holder that says I'm the co pilot, God is the pilot. So many times I wrestle (or think I am) with God and my husband is like would you please give up the wheel---it isn't yours to have. I really got a lot out of your sharing, thank you.